I don't know if it's because I never liked sleepovers when I was a child, but this quote from Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother made sense to me.
Hard to argue with that!I wasn't going to let peer pressure get to me. The few times I did, I regretted it.
Once, for example, I allowed Sophie to attend a sleepover party. This was an exception. When I was little, my mother used to say, "Why do you need to sleep at someone else's house? What's wrong with your own family?" As a parent, I took the same position, but on this occasion Sophia begged me, and in a moment of uncharacteristic weakness, I finally gave in. The next morning, she came back not only exhausted (and unable to practice piano well) but crabby and miserable. It turns out sleepovers aren't fun at all for kids -- they can be a kind of punishment parents unknowingly inflict on their children through permissiveness. After pumping Sophia for information, I learned at A, B, and C had excluded D; B had gossiped viciously about E when she was in the other room; and F at age twelve had talked all night about her sexual exploits. Sophia didn't need to be exposed to the worst of Western society, and I wasn't going to let platitudes like "Children need to explore" or "They need to make their own mistakes" lead me astray. (pp. 68-69)
6 comments:
Yes I agree to a point , but I think I could make some points for why sleep overs are good.
Ally <'v'>
Thanks for the counter perspective Ally! I remain a sleepover skeptic but am open to persuasion!!
I think sleep overs with families that you know and trust (very important) can help children realise what they like about being part of our family, help them develop skills in serving when we are not around to watch, build independence and confidence and deepen relationships with people who are good examples (both adults and peers and siblings of peers).
The example she gives of a 6 girl sleep-over, however, I would avoid like the plague!
Persuaded?
Ally <'v'>
Yeah, I'm basically with you Ally. I'm not so negative about having a friend or two over to sleep - I just don't like 'sleepover' parties so much. I enjoyed having friends over to my place to stay as a kid and mostly liked staying over at my friends' houses (when it was just one or two of us in a family I felt safe).
I actually don't think I went to many 'sleepovers' (again, thinking of the big group of girls) as a teenager - my memories are from the ages of 9-13 I think.
Some of the reasons I didn't like the sleepover party (when I was aged 9-13) probably reflected my personality (anxiety about being away from home) and health (dust allergy meant sleeping over at friends' was a bit miserable). But the other negatives, which are more related to reasons I'm a little skeptical about 'the sleepover' were:
- I remember there was a strong pressure to disobey/ deceive parents (eg, talking beyond the time the parents told us to go to sleep)
- There was often an inappropriate movie choice at other friends' house (can remember a few which led to nightmares!).
- Lack of sleep which came from the inevitable attempt to 'stay up all night' just wasn't good for me. It was also difficult for me to be a helpful, cheerful, self-controlled member of my family the next day.
- hours spent in conversation that was a mixture of gossip (I am yet to hear of a sleepover which did not involve some sort of gossip, even if it didn't seem malicious!), and other things (which boy you like, clothes/hair, what you think of the other girls/teachers at school etc) that added up to a kind of catalogue of the shallowest and least edifying tween-girl obsessions. Obviously there is a place for kids to learn how to handle themselves in peer conversations, but an eight-hour, all-night stretch of that sort of conversation, without any adult input and without any worthwhile shared task or focus, is like an eight-hour ice-cream-and-lollies binge.
To be honest, I shared the quote not so much because I have a vendetta against sleepovers, but because it made me laugh and because I found myself agreeing with her point about permissive western parenting often ending up hurting kids. I think we need to be confident to make decisions that we think are for the best for our kids (even if they do get cross with us). I also don't like the platitudes she mentioned at the end: "Children need to explore" or "They need to make their own mistakes". I'm with her on that.
Yeah Nic ,
I definitely think we are on the same page on this one.
The platitudes she mentions are rubbish.
'Children exploring' suggests boundary breaking and that is not on! ....and as for making their own mistakes.... no thanks.
And I also agree that a lot of good parenting leads our kids to be upset with us about decisions we make for them, because they can't see the dangers or harmfulness of a situation.
We have had children sleep over and I am sure some go home being very glad they are not in our family. Bedtime is still adhered to (or children are removed), movies are checked over with their parents before hand.
....as for the multiple teenage girl sleep over..... more likely to happen at my house, but for the reasons that you mentioned I will need some persuading as to it's value.
Enjoying the back and forth.
Ally <'v'>
Yep, definitely on the same page! :)
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