Appreciation and approval

From as far back as I can remember, I've been the kind of person who feels a strong desire to please people. I want their approval and praise for the things I do - sometimes I've even wondered if I have a kind of addiction to the brain chemicals that come with receiving affirmation and acclaim! Mark Twain famously said that he "could live for two months on a good compliment"; I'm not sure I could last that long, but I can certainly relate to the sentiment.

The Bible warns us in many places against the dangers of this type of attitude. It's a complicated issue, of course - affirmation and approval are nice things to get, and it's not wrong to enjoy them. Luke is not making a criticism of the early church (or of Jesus himself!) when he says that they experienced the "favour" of the people (Luke 2:52, Acts 2:47). And there is a sense in which "trying to please everyone" is exactly what we ought to be doing as Christians (1 Cor. 10:33), as part of a quest for their good - ultimately their salvation - and the glory of God.

But to live for the approval of others, to seek it as if it was a basic need, to be addicted to it, is a desperately dangerous mindsight, that almost inevitably ends up overshadowing and displacing the desire to please God. (See for example, the warnings and reminders in passages like John 5:44, John 12:43, 1 Cor 4:5, Gal 1:10, 1 Thess 2:4 and Eph 6:6)

Recently I found myself thinking about my desire for human approval, and to the way in which I feel the pull to be a people-pleaser more strongly in some relationships than in others. It's partly, of course, about the status and position of the other person - our sinful human hearts value the praise and approval of the powerful and beautiful and popular more than we value the praise and approval of the nobodies. But even when I've made a generous allowance for that variable, I think there are still some people whose approval and disapproval I worry about more than others.

As I analysed the reason for this, it set me wondering whether there was something in the way those people related to me that contributed to me feeling that way, and whether I in turn might be relating in the same way to others. The phenomenon I noticed was how full some people's speech is with the language of approval and disapproval - how instinctively and habitually some people seem to set themselves up as arbiters and adjudicators and evaluators of those around them. In some cases (though not always!) I buy right into their expectation and start responding like a performing seal, in the hope that they'll throw me a fish or two from time to time. Which, in turn, encourages them to keep throwing fish, and so the cycle rolls on.

When that dismal and dangerous pattern begins to assert itself, what do I need to remind myself of?

....You can read the rest at The Sola Panel...

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