EQUIP Ministry Wives highlights
Wednesday, 6 August 2008
This coming January, it will be 10 years since I married Dave and became a 'ministry wife'. Early on, I was told over and over again that being married to a man in ministry is no different from being married to someone in any other job. He had his work, I had mine, and his job should have no impact on my life. I soon worked out that Dave's work certainly did have an impact on my life in a way that wouldn't have happened if he had still been a high school teacher. But as to what my role was, and how to be a 'ministry wife' - I had no idea!
The fact that 400 women turned up to the first EQUIP ministry wives conference last Saturday suggests that I haven't been alone in these feelings of confusion and need for encouragement. It was a wonderful day and I wish I'd heard the talks 10 years ago! Here are some of my highlights of the day:
* Phillip Jensen gave two theologically meaty and practically challenging talks. In the morning he spoke about what the Bible says about marriage and being a 'wife'. In the afternoon, he spoke about what it means to be a 'ministry wife'. I found both so helpful in clarifying my thinking and challenging me to embrace the opportunities that being married to someone in full time ministry presents. In the end, being a ministry wife comes with the same responsibilities as any wife has with her husband. We don't marry a minister - we marry a man. But, if we are married to someone who is being paid to do ministry, then we are blessed because we can be a part of that using whatever gifts God has given us. We are also blessed because our husbands don't have to work long hours to earn money and then serve in the church, like so many do. We were urged to stop seeing the negatives about full time ministry and see the joy of serving Jesus and the positives of full time ministry.
* Carmelina Read gave a talk called 'How to discourage your husband'. She talked about what NOT to do, and very graciously and humbly used herself as an example, time and time again! I had done most of what she had said NOT to do, at numerous times in the past, so I found it very challenging.
* There was a Q and A session with Phillip and Carmelina, where they answered a whole range of anonymous questions about sex, submission, work and lots more!
* I enjoyed being there with friends from my old church at Petersham, and with some of the women who are married to the students at Morling, who will be going into Baptist ministry. I was so pleased that they had the opportunity to go to a day like this before they even start out as ministry wives. They'll be much better prepared than I was!
* Great music, good book recommendations from the front and some encouraging interviews with women who have been married to ministers for a lot longer than 10 years.
You will be able to buy the talks from the conference from the Matthias Media EQUIP shop soon.
17 comments:
Oooh! Thanks for blogging about this. I too have been a ministry wife for all of our 10 year marriage. I think I kind of muddled my way along for the most part. I'm glad that both my husband and people in our churches have been gracious with me along the way! I think I'll be buying those talks and probably recommending them too.
There don't seem to be many books on the topic that are really worthwhile. Were there any books recommended?
Bec
Hi Bec,
They didn't recommend much in the way of books specifically about ministry wives (probably because there's not much out there worth reading). They did recommend a few books by Arch Hart (Safe Haven Marriage was the main one, and it was sold out at morning tea it was so popular - but I've ordered it!). They also recommended Married for God by Christopher Ash, which is an excellent book on marriage.
PS. Bec, I haven't forgotten your question about being married to a college lecturer vs church pastor. I'm still thinking about how to answer - I'll get to it eventually!
Hi Nicole,
Thanks for the link to buy the talks when they come out, and for the names of suggested books. I'd love to get a hold of them as, while I would have loved to be there, living in Perth on a student's income (read: gov't assistance and help from friends) doesn't exactly make this sort of thing possible.
I have helped to organise something similar through Jeff's college (Trinity Theol) the last few years for female students, student's wives and ex-student's wives. While ours have only had one tenth the attendance, they have both been a great encouragement to me, and we've had some very practical workshops run as well. Aren't we blessed to live in a country with so much support among Christians?
~ Sharon
Nicole - Thanks. Funny that you should mention the Christopher Ash book. I've been meaning to get a hold of it ever since he spoke at our church here in the UK (not that I remember much/anything that he said - I think I must have been out with the kids).
No worries about the pastor's wife vs theol college lecturer's wife stuff. I've still got a while until we get to that point - Matt will still be a f/t PhD student for a couple of years yet. If it's all too new or you'd prefer not to blog about it, that's fine. I was actually going to drop you an email saying that today!!
Sharon - yes, I think it's been a great thing to have the Trinity Women stuff. When Matt first started at TTC there were far fewer students at TTC as a whole than than there are who come to Trinity Women events, so anything we girls did was very informal! It's great that as the college has grown things have started happening.
Thanks for this post.
As a wife of a college student and daughter of a minister, I've always wondered whether there is such thing as one type of minister's wife - i.e. one mould to follow. I suspect not, but I wonder if wives feel pressured to be/act/live a certain way to fulfil the role of a minister's wife and what is expected of her in that role - even if those expectations are self-imposed.
It's encouraging to read that we are our husband's wife first and foremost, not "a minister's" wife! Would be interested to hear your thoughts.
Soph (a relatively new reader to your blog)
Aha, now I know for sure who "mattnbec" is... I have been wondering every time you comment if it's you! I hope you enjoy your hols here soon.
~ Sharon
Sorry to have missed the conference. Carmelina is coming to brisbane in a few weeks to do a re-run. Hope to catch it there.
I've been a ministry wife for 6.5 years now. In the past the 'minister's wife' role was something I thought quite a lot about - and to some extent defined myself by. For better or worse, I rarely think about it now. Life is so frantic just being a regular wife and mother and christian. Have I lost something?
Thanks for all the comments! I do think that I have responsibilities to my husband and kids that come before my opportunities to be in ministry around church and college. But I do thank God that my husband's job gives me opportunities to serve others that I wouldn't otherwise have. In that sense, although I don't think there's a job description determined by what the previous minister's wife did or what the congregations expectations might be, I think I do still have a role as a 'ministry wife'. Phillip said some great things about this in his second talk.
Here's some comments I wrote last year in a discussion thread on Michael Jensen's blog:
I think there's an unhelpful dichotomy between those who think the pastor's wife has no role and really ought to be pursuing a career of her own (the 'two careers' model) and those who assume the minister's wife should always be the one to run the women's ministry, set up the creche, etc, etc (the 'two for the price of one' mentality).
Both approaches, I think, miss the things that the Bible does place an emphasis on as ministry tasks that will involve a costly commitment of time and labour for the pastor's wife. (I'm assuming we take it seriously that the way a pastor raises his children and opens up his home in hospitality are fundamental to what qualifies him to be a pastor and - by implication - fundamental to what his task is as a pastor).
If the pastor's wife is at a stage in life where there's time and energy left over after these things, then I presume that it's a matter for her and her husband to work out, in the light of her gifts and the needs and opportunities around them, whether she might do other ministries around the church and maybe some paid work during the week.
But before we even get to think about those possibilities, I think there is a huge and important ministry role that we ought to take much more seriously than we do.
Really good observations, I think, about the primary ministry area/s and also about the unhelpful dichotomy.
In practice, while I agree with your observations, I find myself wanting to do too much outside the home, I suspect. Hence, the first bit about the primary ministry is one I constantly need to remind myself of. So, I think while it's hard, we do need to see the two points together.
Thanks again.
Bec
"Married For God" is great. My husband says that for men, the cover image is a bit effeminate - nothing a bit of newspaper won't fix!
He is recommending it to lots of other guys, (just because if the wife reads it first, it will often mean that the husband never will, which only generates frustration [and ungodliness] for everybody!)
I think the conversations above are hugely important ones to be having.
Hi Cathy!
What's on your cover?
Husband and wife lying down on the living room floor having a sweet moment of laughter side by side. A dominant shade of mauve. It's not offensive, just not very blokey for blue collar Maitland!
Same as us... Dave agrees that it's a bit 'chickified'!
Thanks for the post. I had a lot of friends go, and they found it very helpful. The minister wives at our church are planning a lunch to sit and discuss what we learnt (some of via the recordings, other who actually went to the conference!), in order to encourage each other. I'm looking forward to it.
Ruth,
That sounds like a great idea! My friend and I from Morling are thinking of doing something similar.
Sounds like it was just what you needed... and just what we all need!
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